Marriage, be as it may, is a blessing and not a curse, and
it can never be a curse, unless, you turn it so. It is the best institution to
enter, and once entered into, the blessings that are attached to it pours on it.
This article will outline the
various ways at which suitability in marriage occurs and the pragmatic nature
to marriage.
My reason to write this piece
should not be overemphasized but seen as a means of correcting some of the
abnormalities by which some people do get married.
I write in order for you to
pursue love before getting married and not any other thing. Your happiness is
all that matters, not any other's happiness. You alone can decide whom to be
happy with and whom not to. There are many broken homes today because most
couples get married, not by love, but what is suitable (not mostly suitable)
for them at that time, forgetting that suitability isn't love and does not
guarantee true love. Owing to suitability in marriage: broken homes, maltreatment
in the home, child endangerment, and disrespect from either couple suffice, getting
married because of suitability can come in different ways, such as:
-
PREGNANCY
Pregnancy here means a situation by which a girl is put in
the family way by someone (especially by a boy) before she says "I
do". Because of this unexpected occurrence (pregnancy), couples do see it
as an ideal way of getting married, in order, to prevent their child be born
out of wedlock, not minding the aftermath of the pregnancy.
Pregnancy shouldn't be an option to get married; the only
alternative for you is to ask yourself before you say "I do": Do I really love him/her; will I be happy
with him in the marriage; can we raise a good family.? If you know your answers
are not in the affirmative, please do not
say "I Do" to him/her.
Instead of allowing pregnancy to
tie you down and marry the one you do not love, you can go for numerous choices
such as abortion. However, the Christendom will not agree to this as it is seen
as an act against the Lord. Also, it is an illegal act today in Nigeria. Thus,
it amounts to both morally and legally wrong. Against the backdrop of the
illegality of it, I am of the opinion that it should be made legal, only by the
consent of parents, doctors, and experts. Children are blessings from God, and
as such, we do not have the right to prevent them into this world. Abortion may
not actually be the last resort to solving this. There can be a consensus from
both parents that the child's well-being will be taken care of by them. This
consensus does not in any way bind both partners to get married. With this
consensus, both parents can get married to their individual love partner.
-
PARENTS' CHOICE
Most people get married because it is what their
parents/guardianship want.
This is one of the marriages
entered into by mistake. You cannot force everlasting love in marriage ---
everlasting love grows in the heart overtime before marriage. Your parents'
choice for you may not be the choice for a happy home for you. Do not allow
your parent(s) to determine the man/woman, or place, or family to get married.
When the consequences will come, your
parent(s) will not be there to suffer for it. Marriages should not come by parents'
choice but by the man's or woman's choice of heart. If your marriage fails
today, your parent(s) will not be held accountable, but you; because you failed
to do the needful at the wrong time.
-
ETHNICITY/TRIBAL DIFFERENCES
This is one of the banes in
marriages today in Nigeria. Owning to my research in marriages in Nigeria, I
have come to find out that approximately 80-85%(still counting) of marriages
entered into are influenced by either tribal or ethnic determination. Most
people do not want to get married outside their ethnic or tribal circle. I do
ask myself if this can ever be erased in Nigeria. Some people do go as far as
to hide in affectation, in order, not to fall for the one that is not within
their tribal or ethnic circle. There was a day when a friend of mine posted
this on facebook "I will not get married to a person that can't speak the
Yoruba language" Another once told me that he couldn't just marry to a
person that isn't Igbo. He went further to say "I want to be in the
home...my wife and I speak same language." Similarly, most tribal friends
of mine in Urhobo, Isoko, Hausa,and among others, have said so. This is how
Nigerians have taken tribal and ethnic affinity to the extreme, and as a
determinant of getting married and falling in love. Falling in love or getting
married just because he/she has a/an Urhobo,Yoruba, Calabar, Igbo, Ijaw,etc.
name. This is seen in one of my best comedy dramas "The Importance of
Being Earnest" by Oscar Wilde. Gwendolen was seen to love Jack Worthing
who she thought has the name Earnest.
One father I have come to show estimable
respect for is Sir Chief Dr Gabriel Osawaru Igbinedion. He has encouraged
inter-marriages among his children. This ethnic and tribal circle has gone deep
in Nigerians' vain. It is now like something inherent in us. The 1999
Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, in Section 15 charges the
government of Nigeria with the full responsibility of encouraging social,
cultural, and tribal mobility, also, inter-marriages among Nigerians. Despite
it be a constitutional responsibility of the government as enshrined in the
section cited(supra), it is also a mindset responsibility among Nigerians.
I once had this myopic mindset
in me when I was in junior class (Ugborikoko Secondary School in Delta State,
Nigeria). There was this Ijaw girl called, Glory, she was so in to me then that
she even told my friends in school. I harden my heart towards her, not because
she wasn't beautiful(she was one of the prettiest in my class then--- a class
of over two hundred students), not because she wasn't caring(she was one of the
best I have ever seen), the reason was just that she was an Ijaw girl. I
refused to accept her and came close(despite me knowing, I was just a little
boy then, and shouldn't have been talking about a girl), or getting serious
with her, not because my mum had warned
her children of certain tribes, but because I was afraid of crossing the river
with my family if the unintended happens. I said to myself, "taking my
family on a boat and cross the river..." That I can tell you was then, and
it was a myopic reasoning of me then, not now, because time has changed and I
know much better now. Ethnic and tribal affinity does not determine true marriage
and real love. Some persons forget that they aren't getting married to tribes
but the person they love. Marry a person due to tribe, a broken home is
imminent.
-
RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES
This aspect of suitability in
marriage is so rampant that people have even seen it to be both morally and
justifiably right. Today in my country(and others), it is very hard for one to
see a Muslim girl getting married to a Christian boy, or even a Witness getting
married to a non-witness. Marriage or relationship in this circle is unrealistic
and a waste of time for both the boy and the girl( If one is already dating the
other). Either the Christians or Muslims or Witnesses are ready to succumb to
this idea. Some even go as far as telling the other "If you love me and
want us to get married, convert to my religion circle."
When writing this aspect of suitability in marriage, I came
to find out that marriage in Islam is endogamous, that is to say, marriage to a
non-Muslim or a non-believer is considered void. Furthermore, if a Muslim
spouse converts to another religion after marriage, the marriage is again void.
This suffices so that, the children born into the family can maintain and
observe the family religious circle (Samad Y. Media and Muslim identity:
intersections of generation and gender innovations ; Roald A. "Women in
Islam" London: Routledge, 2001.) Some religion sees marriage to their own
circle of religion as a religious act and be sanctioned by God.
When you marry because you see
him/her to be in your circle of religion(irrespective of him/her be in the act
of pretense), one thing can be certain tomorrow "broken home".
-
In Conclusion
Marry him/her because you love him/her (not I think I love
him/her); marry him because of the passion (not passion for what can be
regarded to be suitability) you have for him.
Marriage isn't an ideal but an institution that is entered
into due to maturity of the couple.
Marriage isn't a familial affair but which has to do with
love for both couple.
Love him, and don't love his
religion. Love him, and not love his name. Love him, and not love his tribe.
Written by Tobi Jude
Contacts: 07064809512; tobi.jude@yahoo.com;
tobi.jude.tj@gmail.com
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